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Interstellar



Before I get into what the movie is about... let me do a little bashing because this flick which wasted 3 precious hours of my life. Yesterday was supposed to be a celebration. I was going to spend a nice time at dinner... maybe pick up a burger at Burger King.. and then a doughnut (with the glaze wiped off because I find it too sweet) at Krispy Kreme and have 2 desserts. I didn't realize its a 3 hour movie which started half an hour late. I mean, why the hell would a Hollywood movie be 3 hours long? Why? Why? Why?


Its become cool to say you liked and understood a Nolan film. As a director, he has reached that level where audience thinks he is very, very smart and if you don't appreciate his flicks it makes you seem dumb. I have not liked any of Nolan's movie. Dark Knight sucked.... big time. Inception was interesting but hardly intellectual.
I would have been ok if people had said "Well... the visuals are great. Too much rona dhona and Bollywood. The imagination is great". But when people say "Oh man, the physics in it made me open my textbooks. Its the best sci fi movie I have watched. I watched it twice to understand what it means" I want to cry at the average IQ level of a human being. And its not just people I know... twitter is buzzing with such stuff. 

What Interstellar is not:
- A real movie 
- A movie which shows the way to NASA
- A movie based on physics or chemistry or biology
- Intellectual
- Spiritual
- Entertaining
- A 'nerdy' movie

What Interstellar is :
- Based on theory
- Great visuals
- Correctly depicts the space... in terms of spacecraft 
- Good background score
- Lots of rona dhona ala Bollywood films. I mean, this movie can put some Bollywood movies to shame with its cheesiness. 'Love' transcends time and space like gravity. REALLY? Says the girl who has never been dumped. 

The movie is based in the future when all missions to space have been stopped, with very right reasoning that the funds can be used elsewhere. Human life on earth is coming to an end but only a handful know... the handful at NASA. Matthew McConaughey used to be in NASA before it was shut down. Now he works as a farmer and lives with his dead wife's father, his son and daughter. There are regular dust storms and the only plant they can grow is corn which is going to die soon. There is some gravitational anomaly seen in his daughter Murph's bedroom which leads him to the secret facility of NASA. Professor Brand- Michael Cane and his team which includes his daughter Anne Hathaway are working on finding alternate planets for survival. The plan 'A' is to send all humans to that planet. Plan 'B' is to let the current humans die and place fertilized embryos to start humanity anew. Mathew wants Plan 'A' to succeed otherwise his family dies. He is requested by Brand to head the mission because he was such a good pilot.

WTF!!! If he was so good why was the mission kept a secret from him? Why wasn't he part of the initial expedition sent to the planets? The only thing that drives Mathew is keeping his kids safe and coming back to them... back to earth. My big problem here- an astronaut is supposed to think of the larger picture. The objective is to save humanity at the loss of your own life and not just save your own family. Mathew is basically a selfish bastard and the wrong person to head the mission. BUT, it's Nolan movie and not mine.. so this is what happens next.

Mathew, Anne and 2 other guys are sent into space with a robot. They reach one planet... lose a comrade and realize the planet is inhabitable. They lose 23 years in the process.

*Cue to an ad by L'Oreal for their anti ageing creams. If you apply the cream you will look the same even 23 years later.* Not really but its a damn good idea. Let me pitch it to some anti ageing cream company. 

They now have fuel to go to only 1 more planet and then return to earth. Yes, they want to return to earth even though unsuccessful. Because that's what the mission is about- to come to earth safe and sound and live happily ever after. Dumb fucks. 
There are 2 planets to pick from and instead of giving a logical, reasonable answer to which planet to chose... Anne gets into this shit about how love transcends everything... even time, space like gravity. Oh... so now love is eternal like gravity. Who picked these dumb people to send to space? Next she will tell us she is a Mindy Kaling fan. (No offence intended to Mindy... am a big fan). 
So Mathew does the most manly thing. He refuses to pick the planet that Anne recommends. Spoiler alert- he turns out to be wrong. Get it? Women are always right. Hey, I didn't say it.. Nolan did. Now on this planet they come across Dr Mann played by Matt Damon. He tells them the cold planet is hospitable and they've come to the right place. And then he tries to kill Mathew because apparently it was Plan 'B' all the way and Mathew wants to return to earth. According to me, Mann is the hero of the film and not Mathew. Mathew is the villain. 
Of course, the poor guy dies... good guys always die and the bad ones live a very long life. 
Now its just Mathew and Anne and they are running out of fuel... so he and the robot detach into the black hole to save Anne. Yes... he puts his life at risk and forgets about the promise to his children which was the only driving force in space for a chick. Men are so dumb. I didn't say it... Nolan did. 
Now onto the stupidest part of the movie- Mathew is stuck in the black hole and can see his daughter's room. He has been communicating all along... sending binary codes... using gravity as a communication form. Murphy played by Jessica Chastain had joined NASA and was trying to work on Brand's equation which would save humanity on Earth along with Professor Brand. She deciphers the morse code being sent by Mathew, solves Brand's equation with his help and evacuates Earth. Mathew is found many years later by a space station and meets old and ageing Murphy who is dying. 
*Do not use Murphy in the anti ageing ad. The product will bomb*
Mathew is a man... and he will do anything for some pussy. Even go back into space and find Anne Hathaway who is of course waiting to be rescued only by him. And that's how the fairytale ends. Oops... that's the ending to a different story. 

People who did not understand the movie and are still trying to grasp it... there is nothing to understand, you dumb, dumb people. I recommend 10 almonds daily soaked overnight in water and eaten with honey. 

This is probably the most pretentious shit I have ever seen. 





4 comments:

Gokul Vijay said...

Dude just 1 question,If you hated Nolan's earlier films why the FUCK did you bother to watch it then?????Just to whine about it?????And if you are about to disclose the entire story,have the fucking sense to put a spoiler alert.And about you weeping for humanity,I weep for dumbfucks like you who say they hate a director but are the 1st in line when his film releases.

Buls said...

Dear Gokul Vijay,

Thanks for being one of the few commentators of this blog. It gladdens my heart to see this comment even if filled with obscenity.
Here are a few points in reply:
- Why can't I watch another movie of Nolan if I didn't like the earlier ones? Is there a rule or something?
- Why can't I whine about a movie I did not like and which wasted my time and money?
- How can I write a review without mentioning what it is about... Thats the point of the review... to let you know what the movie is about and how good/bad it is
- How am I 1st in line to watch the movie if I watched it in the 3rd week?

I don't understand what value addition your comment has made to my blog.

With regards,
A movie reviewer who does not give a fuck

Gokul Vijay said...

Well it is tough to have sense in a conversation with someone who thinks The Dark Knight sucked but here I try:I hated Himmatwala and the Humshakals and even after that if I go to watch Sajid Khan's next and complain I am a bigger idiot than than Sajid.
And reviewing and telling the entire fucking story of a film is two different things.

Buls said...

Gokul Vijay- If a movie by Sajid Khan had good reviews and people around me liked it... I would definitely watch it. Why will I not?
And since this is my blog... I can very well write what I want. You can start your own blog where you can critic people like me who don't know the difference between reviewing a movie and telling the entire 'fucking' story

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